There’s one line in Grey’s Anatomy that’s always stuck with me: “I’m a fixer. I fix things.” It pretty much sums up why I’ve stayed in toxic relationships longer than I should’ve, convinced I could transform a jerk into the misunderstood hero you’d only find in a rom-com. Or why, instead of leaving so-called friends who used their rough childhoods as an excuse to exclude me, I found myself focused on healing their inner child.

在《实习医生格蕾》中有一句台词一直让我记忆深刻：“我是个修理工。我会修好东西。”这大概就是为什么我总是待在那些糟糕的关系里比我该待的时间更长，因为我总认为自己能够把一个混蛋变成浪漫喜剧里的那种被误解的英雄。同样，在那些以自己艰难的童年为借口而常常不理睬我的"朋友"面前，我没有选择离开，而是努力去疗愈他们内心受伤的小孩。

The urge to change someone for the better might seem like the right thing to do…or at least a better option than abandoning a struggling or challenging person entirely. But if you’re always drawn to “saving” others, just know this habit can often do more harm than good—to you and them, Adia Gooden, PhD, a clinical psychologist based in Chicago, tells SELF.

想要改变他人，让他们变得更好，这看起来可能是件正确的事情，至少这比完全抛弃一个正在挣扎或面临挑战的人要好。然而，如果你总是有“拯救”别人的冲动，要知道这种习惯常常对你和他们都弊大于利。芝加哥的临床心理学家阿迪娅·古登博士向 SELF 杂志表达了这样的见解。

No one’s saying you’re terrible for wanting to lend a hand—far from it. In fact, many fall into this pattern for a variety of deeply human reasons, often rooted in empathy, love, and past experiences. “Some people may have also been raised in environments where they were conditioned to be ‘rescuers,’” . Think: a person who had to play mediator in a home filled with conflict, or someone who, from a young age, was a caregiver for a sick family member. This dynamic especially holds true for women of color, who according to Gutiérrez, are often “expected to be more selfless, which could lead them to stay in unhealthy or even abusive relationships with the hope of changing others.”

没有人会因为你想帮助别人就指责你——情况恰恰相反。实际上，很多人因为各种感人的理由陷入这种模式，这些理由通常源于同情、爱和过往经历。有些人可能从小就生活在要求他们做“拯救者”的环境中。比如，在充满冲突的家庭中充当调解者，或者年轻时就开始照顾生病家人的人。这种情况在有色女性中尤其普遍，她们往往被社会期待得更加无私，这可能导致她们忍耐不健康甚至虐待的关系，抱着能改变别人的希望。